Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga – New Moon (2009), Part II — “This Is Why White Women Suck”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is New Moon, Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the second part of New Moon:

We begin Part II with product placement.

I hate superfluous technology in movies. Every movie should look like it was made in the 50s until you need it to not. We don’t need to see her printing out photos. This must be product placement. (Horrible product placement, at that.)

I think there were really only two things that I saw in movies that I really wanted to get, and both were from the same movie. They were the sunglasses that clipped on your nose and the slide phone from The Matrix. I didn’t care enough to get the sunglasses, but I eventually did get a slide phone. That’s about as far as product placement has gone with me. Which is pretty good, considering that phone was just a prop that doesn’t really exist (when you look at it, it’s clearly a cheap piece of plastic).

I never understood the idea of seeing something in a movie and going, “I have to get that specific thing.” It is kind of amusing seeing fictional characters using the products you own, though. I remember watching reruns of Seinfeld and thinking, “Wow… Jerry has my exact refrigerator.” I think it was the refrigerator. Either that or the cordless phone. One of those things. Which is pretty great, considering the show was made in the 90s and it was probably like, 2001 when we still had the item.

But, I think I was cured of any product placement desire when I saw Collateral. I remember being really into the movie (it’s a great fucking movie. And now all the places they go, I actually know them), and then at the very end, Jamie Foxx pulls out a cell phone to call Jada Pinkett, and I remember seeing the interface on the phone and going, “Oh shit. That’s the phone I have in my pocket right now!” And then I went, “Why would that guy (pretty sure he stole it from a business guy) have such a piece of shit phone?” And right there I was free from ever truly coveting any product that was put into a movie.

Colin:

We’ve talked about this before, particularly in the Bond articles, but automotive product placement is one of the worst types around. There are dozens of car companies, and even if we’re talking about auto groups that would do product placement deals, it’s still more than 15. Recent Bond movies have been good because they make use of lots of cars in-group but also throw in plenty from other companies just to make it look reasonable. It’s so awful when a movie is clearly sponsored by like…Chevy, and even when they fly to a random country on the other side of the world, every car is a Chevy. That really messed me up for Live and Let Die, cause more than 90 percent of the cars in that film were the SAME MODEL. It was like Kristen Stewart biting her lip.

So apparently he can take pictures. I’m glad they didn’t include that vampire archetype.

Colin:

I’m looking at this shot on her computer that’s clearly of the Asian kid doing a sensuous pose. Jury’s out on him.

Too bad we don’t get to see them in college. You know there’d be pictures of Anna Kendrick’s character doing lesbian shit.

Is this a shot about the fragility of her existence next to his, or just a shitty moment involving scotch tape?

Colin:

Aw, she has image problems. That’s cute. I heard cocaine makes you young forever.

Tell that to Carrie Fisher.

Colin:

Wait, she’s the one who told me. Now that you mention it, we’ve only ever chatted online and she’s been hesitant to meet up.

Fingers crossed she wears the bikini.

Why are the boobies covered up again?

Oh, don’t tell me we’re back to this shit again.

I like how they have their own table.

Colin:

The Cullens must be at home licking the carpet.

Colin:

And he’s in her house during the day, being unnecessarily pale and wearing a suit for no good reason.

This just reminded me of that time people said he should play James Bond.

Let’s take a minute to think about how awful that would be.

Why you creeping in her room while she’s not there?

We linger on this shot for an uncomfortably long time. Especially considering we have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Colin:

They linger on her for WAY too long. With a shot of her staring for this long, I assume that it must be something amazing. She doesn’t have any expression, but that’s normal for her.

Isn’t it funny how we both went, “Wait, this isn’t right?” If this were a better movie, we’d assume this was an artistic choice. But here, we’re like, “What the fuck is this horse shit? Is someone drunk?”

It’s important to know what you’re dealing with.

All… right.

Colin:

God, he’s emo.

“Hey.”

This is what it sounds (and looks) like when you’re “unconditionally and irrevocably” in love with somebody, right?

I have more eloquence in the tip of my penis.

And more expression, too.

“Take a walk with me.”

It’s funny to me how all of their important conversations happen in the woods.

“We have to leave Forks.”

Emotional, as always.

Apparently Carlisle is supposed to be ten years older than he looks, and people are noticing.

Colin:

Oh man, this is your opportunity to end the franchise here. Quit while you’re only severely behind.

She realizes the ‘we’ doesn’t include her.

Colin:

“You just don’t belong in my world, Bella.” “Ah, bite me.”

“I’m coming.”

That probably is the face she makes when that happens, too.

Colin:

Heh. She’s cumming. Seriously, you guys, I’m grabbing for anything I can to keep me afloat during this difficult time of watching this awful movie.

I like how you maintained your dignity by letting them know you were reaching for the low hanging fruit.

I’ve already got a collection down here.

“Bella – I don’t want you, to come.”

That’s probably the face he makes when he says that, too.

Colin:

SEE?! HE DOESN’T WANT HER TO CUM! I was right — this IS some fucked up abstinence bullshit.

Seriously, picture them banging and having the expressions they usually have in these movies. Vacant, empty, and emotionless.

They’re perfect for each other.

I like how they’ve both proclaimed their love for one another, and all of a sudden he’s like, “Yeah… you mean nothing to me,” and she immediately believes it.

Colin:

He doesn’t want her to join them. She probably got too old.

“That changes things.”

A HA HA HA HA HA HA.

“But if it’s not too much to ask, can you just promise me something?”

Colin:

I’m having a great time imagining what he wants her to promise him. I’m hoping for, “Promise me you’ll put that dream catcher in the toilet and take a fat dookie on it.” I’m expecting, “Promise me you won’t let the Asian kid catch you on the rebound.”

“Promise me you’ll never let go, Rose.”

“Promise me that if you ever get in trouble, you won’t try to be brave, you just run.”

“Promise me if you ever get out, you’ll go to that spot, and find that rock that has no business being in that field…”

I… have a problem.

Though I think the best promise in movies is from Breakfast at Tiffany’s — “Promise me you won’t take me home until I’m very drunk.”

Though what’s funny to me is — “You mean nothing to me. By the way, make me a promise, so I can have peace of mind.” IF HE’S MAKING YOU PROMISE OBVIOUSLY HE GIVES A SHIT.

She deserves to die.

“Don’t do anything reckless. For Charlie’s sake.”

And he also says he promises this is the last time she’ll ever see him. He won’t come back.

“If this is about my soul – take it. I don’t want it without you.”

“It’s not about your soul.”

It’s about THAT ASS.

“You’re not good for me.”

Colin:

Oh man. Really ODing on chastity here, aren’t we? 109 years old and you still know how to act like a tween.

It’s actually really funny that he’s 109 and still a virgin.

Especially since we find out later that he murdered people.

“I’m not good enough for you.”

I’m not sure you’re shoving the cock down my throat hard enough.

Colin:

Is she gonna faint? She looks like she’s gonna faint.

This entire franchise in about ten seconds is just shot/reverse shot of the two of them, and then it ending with her biting her lip and going, “Hey.”

Jesus.

“Goodbye.”

It would be awesome if he exploded into a cloud of dust right now.

And then the next minute and a half of screen time were her standing there, in shock, then realizing she’s covered in dust and having to cough and shake it all out of her hair before awkwardly walking back home in a single shot.

Apparently she’s not good with body language.

Colin:

Gotta get that one last kiss on her head because SHE TASTE GOOOOOOOOOD!

So he didn’t change her, and then he left her in a forest.

Romantic.

Colin:

And she’s left there standing like she’s about to throw up.

I guess this scene was… all bark, and no bite.

Colin:

See, I don’t really see a real relationship between them, so I can’t understand why this is like being stabbed for her. Which, how great would it be if they got Elijah Wood in this series so we could have more of his “stabbed” face? Remember that?

Yes… run after someone with super speed. That’ll work.

You’re all alone. Now crouch down by that tree and start crying.

Wow. It got dark fast.

Colin:

It got dark. Maybe the wolves are out.

Where are the actual wolves?

You’re telling me there’s no instance where Jacob is in the forest as a wolf and some real wolf comes and fucks him in the ass when he’s sleeping? Really?

Is that a single tear I see?

“I’m Kristen Stewart, and only YOU can prevent forest fires.”

Naturally she trips and falls. (How else is the rain cloud gonna catch up to her?)

Colin:

HAHAHAHA she tripped and I take joy in this.

Good thing this isn’t a galaxy far, far away, because she would then have the ability to die right now.

Colin:

Don’t lie in that. There’s bugs in that.

Oh, so that’s how these movies work? One is Rob’s, the next is Taylor’s, and then they fight it out in the third one for her?

I guess I could go for that. It’s a change of pace.

“Come with me if you want to live.”

Colin:

Oh god. No shirt.

That’s his Native American name.

Oh, so there’s a search party.

Did anyone check the fucking WOODS?

Colin:

Good job. The chief of police loses his daughter and they’re all just chilling out front looking at a map?

Colin:

But I can already tell this movie is going to have more half-naked Native American guys than Stagecoach.

But not Shakespeare in Love.

“Why the fuck were you just carrying my daughter while shirtless?”

Did they move?

I call this montage, “Severe Depression.”

That’s the thing with Depression. Doesn’t it take away from all the stuff you could be doing? I mean, I get if you have a disorder or something and it just happens, chemically. But here – she’s making herself be sad. Why would you do that? Have you ever just sat and watched a stream or something? Why the fuck would you want to make yourself be sad when that exists?

Colin:

She’s gonna be sitting here for months, isn’t she? Brooding? Here we go.

Colin:

You’ve been sitting still for two months! Go help your dad rake! Jesus! He provides for you and protects the whole town from REAL evils like meth heads. The man shouldn’t have to rake by himself.

Hamlet? Really?

Colin:

She has a Hamlet poster. You’re really going out of your way to draw connections between this and Shakespeare, huh?

Good thing the camera is revolving during the exact days that look like textbook representations of seasons.

Colin:

I bet this is supposed to be the super amazing shot, right? It’s better than nothing.

No, I’d actually prefer nothing.

Remember how I used to have lights all around my rooms? Yeah, that was pretty great.

(Because what the hell else do we have to talk about right now?)

Colin:

I don’t think I could have stayed still and brooded for even as long as it took for them to get this shot.

She has an email?

(Oh… no, she doesn’t. Which… is that what society has become? I mean, I get back in the day, sending letters and hoping the other person gets them. At least there, there’s the anticipation that it’ll work out, but here, you know immediately that nothing got sent. So why the fuck would you keep sending them? Is there a vampire power that involves the interwebs?)

Colin:

She’s emailing Alice? Couldn’t she email any of them? This is after Facebook. They have cell phones. Their names don’t change. Phonebooks exist. Also, look at her email address. Bella.wa@me.com — so her first name, the sound she makes most of the time, and then the website for people as self-centered as she is.

You know what’s funny to me, though?

They pack up and leave now, all of them, which brings up quite a few questions.

First — where did they go? I feel like their options here are severely limited. Remember — Egypt, some other places, Pacific Northwest. I’m pretty certain they’re in the vicinity. How about you just look around. It’s probably not gonna be that hard to find them. Like you said — they use their same names everywhere. Carlisle is a doctor. Not gonna be that hard to track them down if you really wanted to.

Which, also — he’s a doctor. Did he just up and leave that hospital like that? I’m pretty sure that, in a town of 3,000 people, it’s hard to replace the head doctor like that. This is a decision that could kill dozens of people. (Which — why does Forks have a hospital? I just realized that. 3,000 people, and they have a fucking cardiology wing.)

But seriously — he can just up and leave his job like that and no one questions it? Does he work his own hours? If we see him in an emergency room, I’d figure he doesn’t. Which is kind of fucked up that he chooses to just up and leave his hospital by itself without a second thought.

Another question — what happened to their baller ass spread? They just left the house sitting there? Did they sell it? Is it up on the market? Because, if I’m Bella, and I see them abandon their house and all their possessions, I become suspect. Obviously they’re going to return. You have a collection of about 150 graduation caps. You don’t spend all that time collecting them to just leave them the fuck behind. Why does nobody loot the place? Are they just holed up in there and not showing their faces around town? Because it seems like no one’s gonna go out there anyhow.

Why doesn’t Bella go out there? If you’re her, don’t you hang around the house all day, hoping they come back? At least to check on the place? Make sure they don’t shut the gas off? Who is paying the bills for this place, anyhow? How are you going to continue to pay them? What kind of offshore accounts do you guys have?

But back to Bella. Wouldn’t you just move into that house now that they’re gone? Wouldn’t you go into Edward’s room and just lay there, trying to feel his presence? What’s gonna happen to you? They’ll arrest you? Your father IS the police!

But, getting away from that and to my main point… Edward said the reason they were leaving Forks was because Carlisle was supposed to be ten years older than he looks and people were noticing. Though he also made it abundantly clear that it’s also because of Bella. It’s pretty clear that this is pretty much all because of Bella. So, what I want to know is — how much is it of both things?

Because Edward got the whole family to just up and leave. They’re all gone. It’s not just him. I guess because if it was just him, she’d pull a Kay and show up at the compound, asking about Michael. “What’s that?” “Well, that’s an accident, Bella, but fortunately nobody was hurt.” She’d probably just annoy the shit out of them constantly, asking where he is. And I’m sure eventually, somebody would have caved and told her.

Also, isn’t she still in danger regardless? Are they okay with this? Leaving her all alone and in danger? Why would you agree to do that?

But, either way, they’re all gone. So did he just be like, “I can’t do this with Bella, we all have to go”? And they listened to him? We find out later that he used to run on his own and be by himself for a while. Why… not just do that? Why did they all agree to go with him? A clan thing? Or did the fact that Carlisle is supposed to be older have something to do with it? I really want to know the percentages here. Is it 55% Bella, 45% Carlisle being older? How did that conversation work?

Since it seems like they up and left almost overnight. How long did this conversation last, how did they manage to pack up all their shit, how did they agree on where to go? Did they have escape plans all set up? Do they have houses set up elsewhere to just go to? Do they have bug-out bags? Why was this such an easy thing to do?

And, really, my main question here is — these motherfuckers just come back next year and keep living in the house. Carlisle isn’t supposed to be any fucking younger in a year. How does no one say anything about that? Does that mean they ALL left because of Bella? What the fuck is going on?

I’m gonna go take a bath.

Colin:

Hah. You spent time thinking about these things. I had the energy to do this with Star Wars. I even felt compelled to do it with Star Wars. With these, though? I’m not going to point out rational arguments with things because they’re inconsequential.

What’s that little vibrator shaped thing on her desk?

Colin:

Dollars to dog biscuits it isn’t a vibrator.

So she’s just screaming.

I’m sure they didn’t see anything wrong with this shot when they did it.

Colin:

OOOOOH my god, I thought we were finally getting the sex scene we’ve been waiting for. But….nope.

Is she eating a salad for breakfast?

Colin:

Is she really sitting at their table? While all her friends have fun? They’re just watching her be emo.

Is SHE eating a salad for breakfast?

Did they really see nothing wrong with this?

“This fucking bitch and her screaming…”

Which… is appropriate. As loving a father as you are, it’s still gonna get on your nerves after the… what, fourth month?

Colin:

She screams, and Dad’s like, “Okay, Bella…I’m a little sick of your bullshit.”

“The pain is my only reminder that he was real.”

Because the brain… that can’t be trusted.

Colin:

She sends one EVERY DAY. Look at the Delivery Failure list! EVERY DAY! In fact, in the shot above this, it shows TWO already for that one day! And…can we talk….about…how much I hate it when people use ellipses…this much…?

I also like how the mail is marked as junk.

Colin:

All returned to sender. Maybe you should, you know, stop trying to send them to that address. How hilarious would it be if when they finally got into contact, Alice was like, “Oh, you have one too many o’s here! My email is sexaytittaysalicexoxox@aol.com!”

Taking pretty good care of yourself for someone in a deep depression. Pretty sure real depression doesn’t involve hair and makeup.

He’s sending her to her mother.

Colin:

He really was sick of her! Yes! “I grow weary of your menstruating. Florida should be far enough away for you to not bother me.”

He obviously knows it’s about Edward, too.

I like Dad at this point. He’s doing his job to get her to move on and calling her out for being freaky and weird.

Then she’s like, “No,” and he’s like, “But this is unhealthy,” and she’s like, “But nah, I’m gonna go hang with Jessica tomorrow. We’re going shopping.”

Colin:

“Shopping? You know you don’t know how to shop.”

This actually is the best drinking game ever.

Colin:

“Go…buy some…stuff.” That’s literally what he says.

That’s not shopping.

There was also a scene in there (or maybe they just overlayed the dialogue on this. I forget. It’s meaningless) where Bella calls Jessica and asks her to go to the movies.

Colin:

She has to say her last name? Is this their attempt at showing us just how long it’s been since they’ve hung out? They have cell phones, don’t they? I know she’s not making this call from a pay phone. So she calls Anna Kendrick, who should have her registered, but still has to say her last name. Okay.

“Hey, Jessica, it’s your cousin Marvin…”

“I don’t know why you want to sit through all those zombies eating people and no hot guys kissing anybody.”

She just keeps talking. About leprosy and shit.

The rant is still going.

Colin:

Thank you, Anna Kendrick, for getting some complaints out. I know these complaints aren’t about the shittiness of this movie, but the speed and tone of her voice are enough that I can close my eyes and pretend.

One Eyed Pete’s.

Flash-back!

Colin:

No. The guys that were gonna rape her or whatever? Watch this. How much do you wanna bet she goes down there and provokes these guys so they’ll get rape-y too, so Edward will be FORCED to make an appearance? Only he’s out of town so she winds up in seven different trash bags. (Please)

He can Force ghost too?

This is the proper reaction to a Force ghost.

Can he be hit by a ghost car right now?

“Dude, come on.”

Best line of the movie.

She kinda want the dick, though.

“I think I know those guys.”

“Well they seem great. Can we go?”

It’s nice when there’s an actual actor in the bunch. With timing. The line readings get so much better.

Wouldn’t you go with her to make sure nothing happens to her?

Colin:

Anna Kendrick is just chilling.

She should walk through his ghost.

Or… do that.

This’ll end well.

Colin:

This is what Stephenie Meyer thinks rapists sound like. “Whaddaya say?”

Did they all just forget that they almost raped her? What’s this about?

Colin:

Different rapists. There are a lot of rapists in this town.

“This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Make that movie.

I don’t always fuck strangers, but when I do, I prefer vampires.

Colin:

Anna Kendrick is still just chilling.

So apparently her being reckless keeps him there?

I like how this bicycle gang just rides up this one strip of road.

That’s hardcore.

And then she says she wants to get off. Why he doesn’t immediately rape her, I have no idea. What is going on here?

She goes over, he asks if she wants to ride his bike, she rides his bike, she says she wants to leave, he says, “Fine.” The end.

Is anyone even trying?

A HA HA HA HA. She waited for her.

Colin:

Hah! She really was still just chilling!

And she goes back to talking.

I love how she says that guy could have been a murderer. Since there are only like, 3,000 people in the town. Obviously we don’t know about everyone.

She’s really being weird about this.

She says she thought Bella was gonna be murdered and end up in an interrogation room like on some lame TV show.

Colin:

Nah, you’re just in a fucked up conversation like some lame movie.

Well, we know how they both have sex.

And over this, Bella is writing emails to Alice.

The best line is, “Maybe I’m crazy now, but I guess that’s okay.”

Colin:

“Maybe I’m crazy now. I guess that’s okay.” She just skipped from admitting there is a problem to accepting it.

“If a rush of danger is what it takes to see him, then that’s what I’ll find.”

That’s a rush of danger?

What the fuck is that face about?

Trying to come up with an excuse why you’re hanging out with a sixteen year old?

He spends this entire movie grinning like an idiot. Normally you’d think it was because he knew what he was in, but I actually think this is because he’s an idiot.

Oh. Dirtbike racing.

Colin:

Right, that guy who’s been showing up to see you like every other week. And this is the first time you’ve gone to see him. And it’s to ask for a favor. Help me fix some shit. I really hate this girl.

Seriously, though. She’s a terrible human being. Why would anyone like her? She strings this fuck along even though he has no chance, and uses that to make him do shit for her.

They’re gonna work on them together. (Of course they are.)

Colin:

These look like dirt bikes. What’s so stupid and reckless about that? You can tell that this is a mom writing this, cause just the THOUGHT of something with two wheels and a motor is immediately understood to be stupid and reckless. If it was a 750cc superbike? That’d be reckless. This…not so reckless.

“When the fuck did you get so buff?”

Remember when she made a steroids comment not 30 minutes ago?

Colin:

Yes, he is buff. So glad you noticed.

The real question is, how’d SHE get those bikes in the back?

“Age is just a number, baby. What are you, like 40 now?”

The panty dropper.

Colin:

Wow. I have nothing to say. These people are not real.

Remember when dialogue writing was a thing?

Imagine how this sounds to me.

She want the dick.

“Feels like that sometimes.”

No, I don’t think you know what it’s like to be 40.

What is this, To Kill a Mockingbird?

Also, what’s an instruction manual doing there? You found these things at the dump.

I can see her underwear!

(Remember high school? That was the best game to play in class when you weren’t paying attention.)

(So… in class.)

But anyway, she turns off the radio while he’s listening, and says it’s because she “doesn’t really… like… music… anymore.” She’s almost like Shatner with these pauses.

Colin:

She doesn’t like music anymore. Cause that’s a thing. If someone ever tells me they don’t like music anymore, I’m holding a pillow over their face and pulling an Angel Eyes.

I agree with her. Just only with the word “new” in front of music.

“So I was thinking, if we’re gonna do this every day…”

Great way to start a sentence.

“…and hopefully we will…”

Go on.

“We have to, like, fit some homework in there somewhere.”

I hope he responds, “I’ll fit anything anywhere you like.”

She doesn’t want his father thinking she’s a bad influence on him. He says that’s laughable. She says she’s older, therefore she’s the influencer.

“No, no. My size and knowledge base actually makes me older than you. Because of your general paleness and lack of know-how.”

Good line. Bad delivery.

“I convinced you to build two death machines with me. Don’t you think that makes you kind of young and naïve?”

Colin:

She calls them “death machines.” See how this is making me crazy? It’s a foregone conclusion from the start that the only reason she’s even NEAR these is to try to kill herself and be super reckless. And everyone else accepts this, as though there is no other purpose for dirt bikes than to kill yourself. I hate this writing, I hate this author, and this shot looks like he’s beating something off.

“Come on, buddy.”

Colin:

I like that he calls her out for bullshit. I think my new criteria for liking characters is how much they shit on Kristen Stewart. Of course, he also likes her, so that kills it.

They really got the “nondescript friend casting” right on this one.

He tries to hit on her.

It’s shocking how almost passable this movie is so far.

Colin:

It’s not almost passable. You’re just leaving out more dialogue and synopsis than you did with the previous film. This is a redo of the first movie, only this time she’s more emo. Story-wise, you could make the argument that it’s worse so far. All we need is a baseball game.

You’re right. I am ignoring a lot. I just remember watching this and going, “Well, they’re at least trying to make the dialogue snap (as much as can be possible with the material), the production values are up, and I’m not laughing at everything the way I did the first time,” which makes me go, “All right. That’s not bad.”

Basically, I’m watching this movie, and it’s a flat 2 for most of it. And occasionally I’ll see them sort of trying with the dialogue, and not even bothering to tell a story, and I go, “All right.” Since I’d rather it be a character movie than some stupid shit with a, “Oh, by the way, now there’s a kidnapping scene!” So I still don’t have a problem with this movie. It’s not good, but I don’t despise it the way I despise the first one. I think I can ultimately say that it’s a bad movie that I’m indifferent toward. Which leads me closer to 2.5. Since, for me, 2.5 is a movie where I go, “I really don’t care one way or the other about it.” And that’s me with this.

“So the bike building is true?”

Word gets out that quickly?

“Oh yeah, I taught him everything he knows.”

You know Chris Weitz did a punch up on this script. There’s no way he did it. This dialogue is way too jaunty compared to the last one. Either he punched it up, or Catherine Hardwicke took a horrible approach to the last film (or both), because that brooding romance shit was awful.

“What about the part where you’re his girlfriend?”

This is how I picture Taylor Lautner in everyday life.

Colin:

Oh, SHIT! Oooooooooooh, the girlfriend part?! (I’m really trying to be into this you guys, I’m really trying.)

And then they wrestle.

Colin:

And Bella hunkers down for some good ole-fashioned wolfdingo fighting.

The getting to know you montage.

How can he afford all these parts, by the way?

Colin:

By the way…restoring a bike (or anything) costs money. They’ve resprayed all these parts, gotten all new wiring and everything. Is she shelling out for this? Or is he doing it all pro-boner?

Ah, pizza. (Which apparently is also housing weed, because why the fuck else would you stick your hand in that box like that after slipping the guy a twenty?

Colin:

I just imagined what this call sounded like. “Yeah, a large half sausage, half spinach. It’s on the reservation. 10 Standing Bear Road. There’s a garage behind the house. Yeah, just pull around back. We’ll be waiting.” And it’s only because a white chick made the call that this guy showed up at all.

They should open a restaurant on this land, just so they could make jokes whenever people wanted to call and get a table.

WHY DID YOU JUST THROW PIZZA OH MY GOD EVERYBODY DIVE FOR IT

Seriously, though. Don’t throw pizza. I’d dive for that motherfucker faster than Lucius Malfoy dove for that prophecy. That’s not okay.

That wasn’t pizza.

But what happened to the pizza?

And she starts voiceovering to Alice again. (Why the fuck wouldn’t you just write to Edward if no one is going to get it anyway?)

Colin:

Is she still writing emails to Alice’s wrong email address?

She says “Jake” (Really? She calls him Jake? I’m sure he’s thrilled.) really makes her heart feel less empty or some shit.

So he’s essentially a donut hole, while she’s still trying to find Edward so he can stick his dick in her donut hole.

I should write romance novels.

He says one of those generic friends has a thing for her.

“Well I’m not really into that whole cougar thing…”

Colin:

And she’s still preoccupied with her age. At 18.

Too bad AIDS isn’t just a number (baby).

Because then this movie would have all of the AIDS.

“Ahhh.”

But then he asks about Edward.

Aww…

Seriously, who thought allowing these screenshots to happen was a good idea?

Also, why does every franchise have scenes of their main character masturbating in a bed?

“I thought this thing was starting to work, but… I guess not.”

He said, referring to the dreamcatcher that also represents Jacob, as the film positions themselves behind us…

Colin:

Is the dream catcher the thing that’s giving her the bad dreams? These are the dreams about her being old, no? Why is she screaming?

Color.

Sort of.

Colin:

Who sleeps with a light on? What a pussy.

I think he tells her to fuck Jacob here.

Colin:

That’s right. I hadn’t even thought about that. Dad needs to get him some action. Not a lot of spooning in Forks.

ARE YOU REALLY STARTING SCENES WITH IT NOW?!!!

“If I told you I couldn’t have fixed these bikes, what would you have said?”

“Are you doubting your mad skills?”

Why did you just use those words?

“If you told me you couldn’t fix these bikes, I would say that that’s really too bad but we’re just gonna have to find something else to do.”

Like fix the cable?

Colin:

He knows what this is about. Because the Native American werewolf who does crazy shit on the ~~res~~ reg also knows that if you sit on a dirt bike, you will die.

NOW YOU GOT HIM DOING IT TOO!

They just throw a kid off the cliff.

They’re cliff diving.

Oh, don’t you worry, I fucking caught that one too.

He says some weird shit. I wasn’t paying attention. It probably has something to do with werewolves.

Colin:

So this is going to be where we get some backstory about the werewolves before we find out they’re werewolves. And she’s gonna get into that story, and as she gets closer to him, she’ll find out he’s a werewolf and then the whole plot is going to take off. God, it’s like Twilight 2, or something.

Oh.

Hey, you guys remember Die Another Day?

Colin:

Halle Berry did it better.

(Totally unplanned.)

So, I don’t get it… you don’t immediately go cliff diving even though you have the bikes? Where does your thrill-seeking begin and end, Bella?

Colin:

She isn’t scared. She wants to die.

Where’d he get the money to fix those up, again?

Not exactly Megan Fox, is it?

He teaches her how to ride the bike, because he randomly knows.

Colin:

Everyone knows that dirt bikes kill you as soon as you release the clutch! I hate that this mom author made everyone accept this. THIS IS THE ULTIMATE RECKLESSNESS!

Colin:

Maybe he could make her wear a helmet, if he’s that worried.

A HA HA HA THIS SHOT IS HILARIOUS.

Please go over that cliff right now.

Ha ha. She fell.

Colin:

HAHAHAHA this Swan flies like a platypus.

Just like Lawrence of Arabia.

Colin:

At least she didn’t decide to ride off a cliff and dive into the water or something. Cause you know the bike would be wrecked and sunk, and he’d dive in to save her. Then there’d be the moment where he was angry at her only for risking her life, and not at all for trashing the bike he just spent weeks or months building. And they’d kiss, and that’d be it. I’m like Alice with the visions, but they’re all just for other shitty ways in which this plot can go.

REALLY?! You can’t fucking run over there? You fucking ride over? She just got hurt doing that, and you’re gonna come on over like, “Hey, this is how you don’t fuck that up.”

You’re bleeding.

Colin:

None of the blood is going anywhere.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re apologizing for bleeding?”

Every month.

Oh… I’m sorry. Put quotations around that.

Naturally this is the response to head injuries.

Colin:

Oh for fuck’s sake. How did I know this was going to happen? (There’s a dumb question.) So, let me get this straight. Her emo, anti-social boyfriend dumbed her, so now she’s sort of interested in this dude who smiles too much for someone of at least average intelligence, calls her “baby” on occasion and takes off his shirt at the drop of a bike. I’d say she was stuck between a cock and a pale face.

“What are you staring at?”

“You’re sort of beautiful.”

Mike Was Here.

Colin:

So Was Colin.

Colin:

An added piece of advice from that previous scene — don’t ever tell a guy he’s kinda beautiful. And if you do, and he takes it well, walk away from that guy.

Is she eating stir fry?

Oh, but yeah, what happens here is — the scene starts with them talking about seeing wolves and shit.

Colin:

Look, they’re talking about all the crazy shit they’ve seen. Why is this scrawny girl in the woods walking around and seeing shit when there’s clearly something on the loose that’s fucking EATING people?

And then we find out that the Asian kid isn’t actually gay. Because he’s dating that chick.

Colin:

The Asian kid wasn’t actually gay? If I have nice things to say about this movie, it’s that he hasn’t really had anything to say so far.

And then Bella sits down and Jessica is like, “Oh, so you’re not crazy anymore?”

Colin:

“So…this is awkward. You’re back? Not being a freak anymore?” Watch them all forgive her because she’s good-looking.

They’re like, “Oh, nice… you’re eating again, and… not being a sad cunt.” And that fuck Mike is like, “Yup, gotta get that protein in there” like a fucking asshole.

Colin:

What…what are you saying? I have no idea what this Mike guy is talking about.”Gotta..get some…protein in dur!” Dude, you sound like Rip Torn choking on falafel.

And then the fuck asks her out on a date.

If it weren’t for the same name, I’d forget who the fuck this guy is. I already forgot who the other two are.

Colin:

Of course he’s asking her out now. Cause she wasn’t in the same room with them these past several months. He couldn’t have tried talking to her any of those times. That would have been impossible.

He asks her to a movie. Something about love. I forget the title, because it’s not an erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

She wants to see something called “Face Punch.”

I think that’s a Zack Snyder movie. (Or maybe what he did to the audience with that one.)

Or maybe it’s Face Punch, starring Nicolas Cage and John Travolta.

“I want to take his face… and punch.”

Colin:

I can only think of this movie title as being spelled “Face/Punch,” and I bet blog Mike went there too.

But she does agree to go. So that’s something.

Colin:

Is she saying yes? He’s just gonna be let down, of course. And despite his idiocy, he means well. You’re just gonna wreck him. Poor guy. Tragic Mike.

Apparently that gets her adrenaline going.

And apparently she wants everyone to come.

Colin:

He’s not thrilled about everyone coming along. This is how she co-opts the situation. And then Asian kid cockblocks.

“We were supposed to watch that! Remember, the trailer was like __________,” said no one ever.

Yeah, that’s not awkward at all.

Mike doesn’t like action movies. Because, you know… in these movies… people just dislike entire genres like that.

Colin:

What straight dude doesn’t like action movies? I love action movies. I don’t necessarily watch them all the time, and I freely admit that a lot of them are complete schlock, but if you come to me and say, “Let’s go watch this thing because explosions,” I will be getting ready to go before you finish your sentence.

I love that tagline though.

(And fuck the product placement.)

Colin:

Aw. It wasn’t Face/Punch. That’s sad. But not nearly as sad as the rest of this movie.

They also try to dick slap each other. Lautner calls him a pussy for not liking action movies, and he asks if he’s even old enough to see this movie without adult supervision. And Lautner’s like, “Yeah… she’s buying my ticket for me.”

Colin:

Oh, he called you out for being a single year younger than him! OOOOOOH!

And the women bailed. That is to say, Anna Kendrick bailed (which is weird, since… doesn’t she want to fuck him? Wouldn’t you go to the movie purely for that? So you and him can hate on the movie together and go do your own thing… together?), and the other chick got the stomach flu (amazing how that happens so suddenly and conveniently) and the other guy is taking care of her.

So that’s a bunch of people? Seven? I guess that is a bunch. But she said a bunch like… “Let’s bring the entire hall.” But maybe that’s me, who has on numerous occasions rolled twelve deep to go see a movie.

What the fuck was that face about?

Colin:

Is this what’s happening right now? She’s gonna go into this theater and beat both of them off at the same time?

So the dialogue in this movie… Face Punch… is:

“Put your gun down.”

“Put your gun down, or I’m gonna blow your frickin’ head off.”

“Both of you, put both of your guns down, or I’m gonna blow both of your frickin’ heads off.”

“All right, forget it, let’s do this!”

*Wilhelm Scream*

This is why you should always bring a dildo to a movie.

Colin:

This fake movie’s audio sounds better than New Moon itself. Can we watch Face/Punch instead? I know it’s not Face/Punch, but I’m still calling it Face/Punch.

What’s with Eyes Without a Face back there?

Colin:

Two hands. Maybe they’re gonna give her the double shock the-rapy.

Why would she hold your hand in an action movie?

Apparently he’s gonna throw up. Because apparently people do that in movies.

Colin:

This guy’s throwing up at gunfire? I know you’re kidding. This isn’t real. This is not real. Nobody throws up at that. And if they do, they should probably go live on Sesame Street.

Remember when he was your favorite character?

Colin:

I had no idea that they’d be able to ruin so much, so fast. The shitty metastasized.

Colin:

He called Mike a marshmallow. I approve.

Colin:

“You should hold out for a man who laughs at the gore that makes weaker men vomit.” This is some philosophy that I might expect in the Conan the Barbarian universe.

This entire movie is the Lamentations of the Women.

He’s going for it.

Nice move. Slip past it and forget it didn’t happen.

Weird how no one else is in this movie theater.

I mean, sure, there are 3,000 people in this town. But seriously… no one?

But yeah, they start talking about shit, and I tune out.

Colin:

Can we stop openly discussing feelings?

He asks why he can’t hold her hand. She says it’s because it means something different to him than it does to her.

Colin:

It means something different to him, so that’s why you need to stop? Looks like someone’s never having sex in her life.

And then he’s like, “But… you like me, and think I’m beautiful, right?”

Colin:

“Yes, I am beautiful.” Agh why am I watching this movie

And then she’s like, “Don’t fuck this up.”

As in, “Don’t fuck up my good situation, pining over that other fuck and stringing you along to make myself feel better.

THIS IS WHY WHITE WOMEN SUCK.

Yup. Another one.

By the way, she says she doesn’t want to ruin a good thing by getting involved with him (whatever that means), and he says he won’t give up. And she says she doesn’t want him to.

All… right.

Colin:

I HATE this kind of chick. He likes her, she likes him, but she won’t let it happen. He says he won’t give up and she ENCOURAGES him. This is nothing more than her saying, “I won’t be with you, but don’t stop chasing me, because it makes me feel good.” I hope you die in a horrible fire.

This Is Why White Women Suck

Oh. She says she doesn’t want him to stop because she doesn’t want him to go anywhere.

So… “I’m not gonna fuck you, but I like you, so you can keep hitting on me as long as you keep hanging out with me.”

That’s… actually pretty cool on her part. Once it’s out on front street like that, and she’s cool with it – things can actually only get better from there. Now you can just blatantly hit on her.

Of course, she’s a huge cunt, but, if he plays his cards right, he can be brazen as shit and get a pass. (Though of course he’s gonna handle it like a pussy.)

This fucker is taking a conveniently long time to throw up.

Colin:

“That’s really selfish.” Well THANK YOU for that observation, Captain Cunty McObvious!

“I know what he did to you. Bella, I will never do that to you.”

Colin:

What the fuck is any of this supposed to mean? “I won’t hurt you, I won’t let you down,” and all this shit? You’re 16 years old! What control do you have over anything? How could you let someone down at 16 years old? Doing hard drugs? That’s basically the criteria for if you’re a shitty boyfriend at 16 years old. Are you cheating on her? Are you on heroin? No to both? Then you’re doing a great job!